Separation

I was given a necklace from a father I did not know. It was inscribed with the words, "Blessed are you my daughter". I didn't feel loved or blessed by someone who disappeared when I was four years old. I would wear the necklace during the two weeks each month that I was not permitted to touch my husband.

At my husband’s funeral when they took him away in the hearse I wasn't allowed to join and escort him to his final resting place. I walked behind the hearse for as long as I could. After the shiva I went to the Burial Society to arrange that we be buried together. They told me that it wasn’t permitted. The distance side by side, they claimed, is the same distance as one on top of the other. I asked instead to be buried right next to him in one larger plot. Again they said no. I called again a week later and asked if I could have a small hole between our two plots. He said that also wasn't possible and if I'd like to come into the office he could explain to me how bodies decompose. I said no. I paid for my plot and stopped calling. Instead, I hid a green plastic spade near my husband's grave and asked my children to toss it in with me when my time comes.